Jill Fleming talks backdoors, birthday gifts and Friends with Money

Our first question is definitely NSFW, so govern yourselves accordingly. It seems Jill has a certain wayyyyy with questions like this that invite further questions. Of course, SHE'S THRILLED.

Send your questions to liza@lizapalmer.com. We keep everything anonymous!


1. My boyfriend and I want to try anal sex. Do you have any tips for an ass virgin?

So. It's really amazing how these questions just plop right into my wheelhouse. Say no more, ass virgin! I'd like to tout personal experience here, but that would be a lie. Truth is, I'm as wary of it as the next guy.

BUT

I have collected some valuable insight by simply asking a lot of questions of random people.

And now, I have two words for you: lube and sideways.

From everything I've heard, this is the way to go. You know what I mean by sideways -- you're lying down, he's behind you, both on your sides. Spooning, if you will. This is a tried and true way to pull it off without tears. One other tip is to make sure your man knows he won't be scoring M&Ms every time he goes to the gas station, if you know what I mean. Now go forth, young Jedi. And as always, please report back to ole Jill on your progress.

2. I am in the awkward situation of the birthday approaching of someone I've only been dating a month. What do you give that's not too much and not too little?

Oh, you poor thing. Been there! It's an awkwardly fine line that simply never fails. There's always a damn birthday, Hanukkah, or worse - Valentine's Day - within earshot of meeting someone new. But fear not, soldier. I have some suggestions for you.

The trusty standby for either sex is perfume/cologne. My personal favorite is anything from Bvulgari. You can waltz into Nordstrom and ask a specialist behind the counter for a new, hip fragrance and get it wrapped up lickety split (<----Did I really say that? It's true, guys, I am officially my mother!). Next we enter the pampering category. A gift certificate to a local day spa for a massage or facial (let the recipient choose the service, i. e. "one hour massage or facial", avoid getting it for a dollar amount). I have to admit though, this is best for women. Most dudes won't use it, even though they need to (hello). I like the idea of something you can do together. Concert tickets, cooking classes, tennis lessons. This is an awesome gift. Just make sure it's in the very near future so they don't freak out. ("What makes you think we will be dating when The Beach Boys reunion tour comes here in three months, hmmmm?". Yeah, asshole. I think we'll be dating in three months. And that means I have our honeymoon planned. Get over yourself!) I'd also consider something sentimental if you really like this person. One guy gave my friend a framed picture of the small town where she grew up. That said loud and clear "I'm listening". Flattery of the highest order. Did he mention his love for Star Wars or the band Chicago? The Internet is your friend! Find a cool keepsake relating to whatever they love. MOVIE MINUTE "Throwback": Friends With Money

Taking it back, yo.

This is one of those gems that I can watch over and over and then again. It was on the cable rotation there for awhile and every time it came on, I was hooked. It's the perfect movie for a rainy Saturday afternoon or a lazy Sunday.

The characters (both male and female) and their relationships are complex and real. We can all relate to at least one of them. It's the perfect romantic comedy -- neither too syrupy or sour. Just right. If you haven't seen it, trust me and bust the Netflix!

The Fassbender Rule

No, this is not going to be THAT kind of post. Although...

My relationship with publishing – in my ten years in this business – has felt more like an apprenticeship. A career where I’ve learned more on the job than I could have ever learned studying it or learning about it. And this is both exhilarating and completely frustrating.

One of the main lessons I had to learn was an old favorite that I’ve had to relearn time and time again.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

The basket is The Work. One book. One play. One album. One painting. One poem. One short story. One screenplay. One project.

And the eggs? Well, the eggs are your hopes and dreams.

Don’t put all your hopes and dreams into one project.

Everyone envisions the Oscar speech and the call about hitting the list of your dreams. Being able to quit the day job and just write for a living. With each book that fearful journey of hope begins once more.

But, if you’re putting all of your eggs in one basket? That way lies madness.

Financial. Emotional. Spiritual. Madness.

We are more than one project. One book.

We are an ongoing, ever evolving body of work.

This is the hardest thing to remember as we fear that each project we start and finish will be our last. We fear that what we’ve just created is the best we’re going to do, so why not just invest everything we have in it. That last project fast becomes your only hope.

(And a Star Wars sidebar? Obi Wan Kenobi wasn’t Leia’s only hope. Obi Wan brought Luke, Luke and the droids brought in Han and Chewy and then they all brought and became the rebel army – see? An ongoing, ever evolving body of work…)

We’ve all heard the cynics lament that you’re only as good as your next book or next movie or next project. But, they’re right. And they’re right, not because they’re jaded or whatever, they’re right because you’re an artist. And if you’re not creating and evolving and learning then… you’re not doing what you’re here to do.

In the past couple of years, I’ve come up with my own little theory to help me when I find myself forgetting this rule. It’s flawed and I’m sure there’s way better examples of the point I’m trying to make, but this works for me.

LIZA PALMER'S FASSBENDER RULE

It was 2011 and I needed to learn the eggs to basket ratio lesson again. And, as you know 2011 was the Year of The Fassbender. He was everywhere. People were calling him an overnight success and as is usually the way – everyone else’s “overnight success” took Fassbender 17 years.

In the GQ Australia article naming Fassbender the Breakout Star of 2011 they chronicled his rise to fame like this:

“Fassbender, at 34, has an appealingly weathered face. Unlike most of his American peers, he looks (and acts) his age, perhaps because he's been at this awhile. Shortly after high school, he moved from Ireland to London to study acting. Success was patchy, and he built a decade-long portfolio of near misses, disappointments, and bartending jobs before a stream of TV work allowed him to act full-time.”

Fassbender struggled, failed, brought his A Game to the B Room, honed his craft and left his ego out of it. He did TV – one of which was Band of Brothers – from 2001 to his lead as Azazeal in Hex in 2004. But, even with that lead role and other recurring roles, as well as his turn in 2006’s, 300, Fassbender was still struggling.

Until his big break in 2008 with the movie Hunger. Fassbender says of 2007:

“There was something funny about that year. I realized that year somebody left the door open."

That’s what it is, right? Being prepared for that moment when somebody leaves the door open.

And even with that big break, it still took Fassbender 3 more years to be GQ Australia’s “break out star.”

This is an odd business – the arts. We create and sell our wares in the marketplace. It’s hard not to get caught up in one aspect more than the other. Writing is hard so I’ll wander around the marketplace a bit more. The marketplace is scary, I’ll just be sitting here with my journals for a while. Like so many things, it’s about balance. Being in the marketplace just long enough so that we may earn our keep, but then returning to our studio to create only to return to the marketplace and so on and so forth.

We are a body of work. It is our job as artists to evolve and learn. Let that be your guide and not the fear that you’re not hitting enough lists or getting enough acclaim or not where you thought you’d be by now…

You’re exactly where you need to be so that you will be prepared when somebody leaves the door open.

Jill Fleming Talks Signature Gifts, Lying Friends and Thinking Like a Man

1. My colleague is getting married and invited me to the wedding. What is a good gift for someone you know professionally?

Wheelhouse! Wheelhouse! One of my favorite topics: wedding etiquette. I would first start with your Signature Gift. You know, that one thing you give everyone that is refined, tasteful, simple and elegant? Wait, you don't have one?!? Who are you, anyway?!

I would then go to their online registry. Purchase one item between $50-100, depending on how long you've known him or her. Have it shipped directly to them, don't bring it to the wedding. You do indeed have a year, but try to keep it within six months. My final suggestion would be a gift card to the place where they are registered along with a nice card. You can give it to him or her at work afterwards, and compliment the wedding. I'm not big on giving cash to people in the same age group. It feels like something an adult does for a kid.

Signature Gifts: Mine is a pair of crystal candle holders from Tiffany's that I order online. I've also known people to give the same vase or silver photo frame.


2. What do you do when you have a friend who lies about everything? Like big stuff, kind of like living in a dream world, and not realizing it?

Oh, I know this one well. I'd like to say "Get rid of them immediately!". But I can't. Because it's hard to get rid of friends, whether we want to or not. And if you've known this person a long time, even harder. Especially in the digital age when it feels dramatic to cut people off, not to mention a lot of work logistically.

But the truth of the matter is that friendships are built on trust, and if this person is lying about everything, then what is the friendship based upon? Probably fantasy.

You are busy fantasizing about Ryan Gosling, I mean the friend you'd like to have, and he or she is just plain fantasizing. I've known many people who believe their own tall tales, or at least have me completely convinced that they do.

My advice is the slow fade. It is the easy way out, but also the least destructive. Be busy, see him or her less, don't accept invites because of this or that. Eventually it will stick. And give you extra time for the friends who tell you the truth.

SEND YOUR DELICATE ADVICE QUESTIONS TO LIZA@LIZAPALMER.COM AND JILL WILL ANSWER THEM!!!! (And we keep everything anonymous! No Names!)


JILL'S MOVIE MINUTE - Think Like a Man

Been yearning for the perfect romantic comedy? SEE THIS MOVIE NOW. It has it all -- beautiful people in complicated relationships, good laughs, and a great setting (downtown LA -- hollah!). Other awesome stuff we love to hate, too -- mama's boys, commitaphobes, arrested development, booty calls.

It's based on the fantastic relationship book by Steve Harvey. That's right, y'all. I SAID FANTASTIC. Fact is, whether we like it or not, Harvey makes really valid points in "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man". Stuff I've been yammering on about until I'm blue in the face. And now we get to see it in action on the big screen.

Go!

Here's to the Other Guy

Like many of you I have a Sherlock hangover and throw a new Game of Thrones and Mad Men onto the fire, and Monday mornings are fast turning into this haze of "What the fuck happened last night?? How.. what... did they... noooooooo..."

Sundays are also, in a ridiculously shallow way, a feast for the ladies. But, for me it's not really about The Guy - Don Draper is fine, but give me Ken Cosgrove any day. And Benedict Cumberbatch is spectacular, but Martin Freeman is what does it for me. And on and on goes my list. I've never been one to swoon for The Guy (except if that guy is Han Solo). I'm more of a fan of The Other Guy.

Here are my Top 10 Other Guys - tell me your favorite Other Guy/Girl in the comments by 8PM PDT and one of you will win one of my books!


1. Martin Freeman

My love for Martin Freeman dates back, but was solidified when I saw this blooper reel from The Office. The bits from 2.35-4.36 and then from 6.07 - 7.24 are... swoon worthy to the nth degree. At 3.38 when Freeman says, "There's no way that can't be funny to me though..." is, I believe, the exact moment I fell. Like Reichenbach fell. (here are the outtakes from the Christmas Special for good measure.)


2. Aaron Staton

I've been on a Mad Men bender for the last few weeks - I am now officially caught up (with just last night's episode yet to download.) And while I appreciate Don Draper's ... well, Don Draperness, it's always been the Kenny Cosgrove that has caught my fancy. The secret Sci-Fi writer from Vermont who seems to genuinely like his wife is definitely one I'm happy they brought over to the new agency. (And can I just say? I looove Megan Draper. She's such a great character and Jessica Pare is just delightful. Total Girl Crush on her.)

3. Kit Harrington

I'm not sure Kit is really The Other Guy based on how dern purdy he is, but he's not Sean Bean or The King Slayer, but he's the noble Jon Snow (if you haven't finished Season One, don't click on that link - a link that finds that Commander Mormont has a delightful Scottish accent...) I was at Book Club last night and I was talking to one of my friends (who insists on calling it the Game of Thorns just to annoy me) and she had just finished Season One. I found myself waxing rhapsodic about Snow, who I heard myself referring to as "That Hot Bastard" and was like.. I think I may have a problem, actually. An awesome problem... Sighhhhh

4/5/6 Simon Pegg/Nick Frost/Edgar Wright

Clearly these three are geniuses and I'm awaiting The World's End with baited breath. I went through a whole phase where I would watch Hot Fuzz every night before bed. I have no idea why. I loved the idea of going somewhere and finding out that it was the exact perfect place for you. I loved the friendship between Butterman and Angel and I'm always a fan of Wright's direction. But, what make these three swoon worthy is all the other stuff. The Cake Flushing, the Hot Fuzz outtakes, the Shaun of the Dead outtakes (Pegg laughing at 2.35 is my personal favorite) But, it was this scene from Spaced that got me - I love that Pegg and Frost can really dance - isn't it weird what flips that switch?

7. Stephen Merchant

This tall, drink of water does it for me every time. And tall being the operative word - I believe Merchant is 6'7" in all of his goggly eyed glory. Merchant teams up with Ricky Gervais to create some of the best writing on television (Office, Extras... not so much Life is Short.) They have a way of really walking that line of poignant and funny like no one else. The Office Christmas Special is one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I've ever seen. And this speech that Gervais makes about fame on the Extras Christmas Special... is just beautiful. Here's a 44 minute interview with Merchant that just solidifies his absolute delightfulness. Swooooooooon.

8. Bill Hader

If I didn't love Hader before, his turn on Kristen Wiig's goodbye cemented it. It was clear that his goodbye was an emotional one for her and for me, it was when I started to lose it. I've loved Hader in everything that he's done - his Superbad performance, his turn has Haggard in Pegg/Frost's, Paul, his SNL characters: the director who disciplines an ornery boom man by calling out Jefffffffff, the aging journalist: Herb, Vincent Price and of course, Stefon. Hader has one of those faces that just makes me start smiling - and when he starts laughing - 3.44 in that Stefon video? FORGET IT. I love everything he does. Here he is with Seth Meyers (sighhhh) talking about comics.


9. Bill Nighy

I think we all can agree that Nighy's performance in Love Actually is beyond phenomenal. It's the white paint suit at the end? What's that about? BUT, HE ROCKS IT. And nakedly playing the guitar? Forget it. It's that lazy, trailing off laugh that kills me. Here he is talking about leaving home at 15 to become a writer in Paris. Forget. It. I just saw the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and he was amazing in it. Him together with Judi Dench? BEYOND. Highly recommended.


10. Timothy Omundson

I'm a big Psych fan and can certainly get behind the James Roday/Dule Hill love as they're both amazing, but lately I've been loving the Carlton Lassiter. It doesn't hurt that Omundson has those ice blue eyes/black hair thing going on, but I love the whole Man Taking Charge thing - and Omundson does that very well. But, the scene that flipped it for me? This. It doesn't hurt that that moment is soundtracked by one of my most favorite songs ever, but... holy shit with that scene. Holy shit with The Lassie.


Who is your favorite OTHER GUY? Tell me who and you may win a book!




WE HAVE OUR WINNER!

KWANA!!! Email me and I'll send you along a book!!!

Jill Fleming Spends her lunch break Googling "Swallowing Semen Health Risks" so you don't have to....

(To Jill's absolute glee we're getting a bit NSFW here... so govern yourselves accordingly)

1. How do you feel about swallowing?

So. I'd like to point out first that these questions have finally reached the next level. A promise land of sorts.

Funny you should ask. I just spent the better part of my lunch break googling "swallowing semen health risks" and the like. What I found was reassuring to say the least. I was poised for the worst, given that my favorite motto is "pull, pray, and swallow". Ahem. That's how I feel about it, by the way. That's also evidently how I feel about taking the pill. But don't try that one at home.

I'm happy to report that no one need recite my last rights. Turns out there are actually benefits to it! Thank goodness, right? I was recently sent to some weird community market to buy raw Cacao and Spirulina by a health coach. That's right. Now back off, this is LA. I'd be damned if effing semen is going to thwart my health goals. But it won't -- it's perfectly healthy and you can do it as much as you like. Hooray..?!?


2. This is going to sound cliched, but I'm 35, single, and on the hunt. I want to find a good man. Where do I look?

Say no more, my love. I assume you have online dated to no avail by this point. If not, start there. When that gets exhausting, I suggest the following.

Go out a lot.

I hear whining all the time about how friends are not meeting anyone by watching SVU marathons all weekend. Well? He's not gonna knock down your door, honey! While you're watching your little marathons, some whore is sipping on your dream man's straw. Go to the gym. I know, I know. Most guys in gyms are douchebags. But! May as well be getting fit while secretly looking around. Sign up for a group activity like golf lessons. Something you AND hot eligible men would like. Read: nothing crafty or overtly feminine. I've seen men at my spinning class. Go grocery shopping a lot. I see TONS of men in the store. And be friendly. I am not on the hunt, but I find myself in petty conversations with complete strangers everyday. Do that. And always look good no matter where you are going. Clark Kent will be at the store that one time you look like a schlub.

My Name is Liza and I Read Airport Books

I was sitting at my desk today listening to music and was heartily enjoying Imogen Heap’s song, Between Sheets. So, I pressed that little atom icon symbolizing the Genius capability at the lower right hand corner of iTunes and out popped Apple’s idea of other music I’d probably like based on me listening to that particular song. These suggested songs are clearly based on some algorithm concocted somewhere in the depths of Cupertino, California.

That Genius button I pushed for that Imogen Heap song? It didn't work. It could only pull from my own music library and even then it was overly concerned with matching female singers with other female singers as opposed to getting into the kind of music Imogen Heap makes. If I really wanted to make a playlist based on how that one song made me feel it was going to be a bit more complicated than just pushing a button.

It got me thinking about how often we press that Genius button in every day life. The comfort we take in boiling other people's characters down with our own flawed algorithms is mind-boggling. Someone's essence is "understood" based on a book they liked or a certain kind of movie they may have enjoyed.

Too often, the argument is made that if you like “Airport Books*” written by Those Writers then you probably like this here bubblegum music, drink cosmopolitans, talk about the people in your life as if they’re the characters from Sex and the City and are single-handedly bringing about some kind of Art Apocalypse because of your chronic, abhorrent choices.

But, if you like Important Books, then you probably support this as yet undiscovered musician and I hear there’s a film festival in town that nobody knows about and you’re fighting the good fight by not buying into the sell-outs that would have us all kneeling down in front of some half-sparkly vampire, half-braided archer god of mediocrity.

I know I’m not comfortable being boiled down to an algorithm, yet we seem to take pleasure in boiling others down in just such a manner.

Why aren’t we comfortable with just liking what we like? This person likes “airport books” and is on the board of that film festival you’re going to and they’ve never really seen Sex and the City, but they’ll sing the hell out of that Carly Rae Jepsen song that’s on the radio right now.

Why is it so shocking that people can be complicated? That people can like Airport Books AND Important Books!

I’m in this book club and I suggested a book I’d only heard good things about. We read it and everyone loved it.

BUT.

Because it was, what they felt, a “Twinkie” of a book (that’s a direct quote) I was met with, “I read it and couldn’t put it down, but felt gross afterwards.” Comment after comment after comment basically saying “I loved it, but hated myself for loving it.” Finally I asked, “What books do you like?” And I was met with silence. Not the volcanic eruption that usually happens when someone is so excited about a book or a movie or a song that they’ll move heaven and earth to get that book, movie or song into your hands. Nope. Just silence. And then… something started happening: I could see her flipping through the titles she was “allowed” to like. The titles that she could feel good about reading. The titles I should feel intimidated by.

What would happen if we allowed, not only ourselves, but also others to be complicated? Human. Something other than an algorithm?

What would happen if we found joy in the art itself and not in the smugness of belonging and the ostracizing of those you feel unworthy?

What would happen if we flirted with the idea that just because someone likes something you don’t, they're not a complete idiot?

What would happen if someone read that Important Book and didn't like it? Oh, they GOT it they just didn’t like it.

That Twinkie of a book? Read it. Is it good? Then like it. Do you like that song? Then turn it up. Did you like that movie? Then recommend it. And if you don’t like something someone else does? That’s the beauty of art. It didn’t speak to you. Move on. Don’t clog up your Twitter feed talking only about that one book that you hate and the lame ass people who do like it. What DO you like? Why don’t you talk about that?

Pleasure is a good thing. We shouldn’t feel guilty for experiencing it. Sometimes lessons and messages are hidden in places you don't expect. Don’t shut yourself out because you’re too busy making fun of the medium that’s teaching it.

Be better than the algorithm.

*I'm using the words "Airport Books" because this is the lingo a percentage of people use to reference a certain kind of book.

I just call them books.

Top 10 Books That Molded You

With the passing of Maurice Sendak, I got to thinking about my childhood. Where the Wild Things Are is one of those books.

One of those books.

It spoke to me on a level I couldn't understand as a kid, but as a grown up I realized it molded me. It made me who I am today.

What other books molded me into the person I am now? What about you? Which book(s) set you on a course when you were younger or made you think differently? Which book(s) are you excited about reading to your kids only to watch them get lost into the same worlds you did?

Here are some of mine:

1. Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
When I was 18 I went down to Sunset Tattoo on Sunset Bouelvard here in Los Angeles and had some dude tattoo Max onto my ankle. It meant something to me to the point where I was ready to have it be permanent. The idea that dinner would still be hot when I was done at the wild rumpus carved a path for me. I also learned that I didn't have to be perfect in order to be loved. Sendak taught me that before I even knew I was learning it.

2. Are You There God, It's Me Margaret by Judy Blume
As an awkward kid, reading Blume's books made me feel like I was part of something. I wasn't the only one struggling or having these thoughts. I didn't feel as alone. She made me feel... normal.

3. Never Cry Wolf by Farley Mowat
I remember reading this book and understanding, for the first time, passion. The singular focus of purpose and how meaningful finding one's true path could be. Plus, they talked about poo. Which... you know: Hilarious.

4. Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus
I found this book a bit later on, but it was just as important. Two caterpillars trying to figure out why they're here and who they are. Do they climb the Caterpillar Pillar like everyone else, losing themselves in the quest or do they trust that they're meant for greater things? Do they wish for something beyond the Pillar? This book moved me so much, I did an INTERPRATIVE DANCE TO IT. You heard that right. An Interprative Dance to the tune of Closing of the Year from the Toys soundtrack. It's fine. I had PVC pipe wings and some serious MOVES.

5. Fletcher and Zenobia by Edward Gorey
This book is just part of me. The book itself is no bigger than a CD case and absolutely filled me with joy my entire life. A story of a fat cat, a doll and a moth who are stuck in a tree with nothing but a trunk full of stuff. It's beautiful and thoughtful and delicate. Just amazing.

6. Jamie and the Leopard by Yutaka Sugita
This book is absolutely beautiful - the paintings are lush and gorgeous. Our original book (from 1967) became tattered from love and ogling, so I've framed the pages as art and it now hangs in my house. This book is about friendship and how the person who matches you isn't necessarily the one you think it's going to be.

7. The Elephant and the Bad Baby by Elfrida Vipont
A bad baby has an amazing day and thanks no one involved in its making. It's about gratitude and how you have to be a participant in your relationships or else they don't remain your relationships for long. Not even the elephant ones.

8. Miffy at the Zoo by Dick Bruna
I think I've read this book a million times. We still have the old copy with our crayola scribbles decorating its tattered pages. This book is pure joy and imagination. Adventure and color.

9. Bunnicula by James Howe
This was the book that got me into reading. I remember sitting there in class and our teacher was reading it aloud. And I was riveted. Story! Adventure! Twists and turns! What comes next!??!? I loved every word, every character and every moment of this book and it set in motion my love of story.

10. The Giver by Lois Lowry
I found this book later on in life and it's been a constant benchmark for what literature should do. Lowry has created a world where emotion is not an option and the best way to run a community is by taking away our humanity. Emotions are hard and not having them is easy. Who hasn't thought that would be a good idea at one time or another? This book is a must read - at any point in your life.

I think what hits me about these books - and what I've been thinking about a lot as I've gotten older is the idea of wonder. As kids the world seems so huge and everything is possible, these books are part of that. Part of those ideas that you could be anything you wanted to be. There's something simple and worthwhile about never forgetting that ideal.

What about you? Which books molded you into the person you are today?

Leave a comment with your favorite childhood book by 8PM PDT and 2 of you will win one of my books of your choosing!

WE HAVE OUR WINNERS!

TAMMY HARVEY
NOVA

(email me with your mailing address and which book of mine you'd like!)

Amazing comments. Thank you so much for sharing your memories and the books that molded you. Beautiful.